Central Bank Lowers Housing Build Forecast To “Fuck All”

THE Central Bank has dramatically revised its housing forecast for Ireland between now and 2027, slashing expectations on the number of units to be completed down to ‘sweet fuck all’, prompting Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Harris to fire off a few soundbites to the press in lieu of an actual working plan.

“The commitment in the Programme for Government is clear – we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing, have been failing spectacularly on every front for the past five years, and are rapidly devolving into a coalition of clueless eejits,” Harris should have admitted, before instead blaming everyone except his government’s own breathtaking incompetence.

“Water, wastewater, energy and zoned land are some of the biggest constraints,” he actually said without blinking, almost believing it himself.

“Now is the time for big, brave, bold decisions,” he added, likely addressing voters directly, daring them to elect someone else next time, instead of robotically re-electing the same circus of policy failures.

“This isn’t about magic wand solutions. It’s about taking a balanced approach,” Harris said, pulling phrases straight from the Political Bullshit Phrasebook, Chapter 4: ‘Say Nothing But Say It Loud’, phrases so overused they fail to register even on the most frostbitten of homeless eardrums.

Despite the growing pile of abandoned targets, Harris repeated the fantasy promise of 300,000 new homes by 2030 – equivalent to 75,000 per year for the next four years.

The Central Bank, however, estimated just 32,500 will be completed in 2025.

“Look, hitting 43% of a fantasy number is still better than last year’s pre-election target lies,” read a written statement from the Department of Housing, before spontaneously bursting into flames.

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