WWN’s World Cup Recap

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YESTERDAY EVENING’S 7pm game was more anticipated than a Destiny Child’s reunion and saw Germany channel their inner Survivor against Spain.

The first half saw Spain register more passes than Tommy Fury during an episode of Mastermind, spearheaded once again by Gavi and Pedri who were only 3 months old when the World Cup was played in Russia.

In search of a goal in the second half Spain brought on Alvaro Morata. Normally as convincing in front of goal as The Rock in Hamlet at the National Theatre, Morata scored with a finish cooler than an Arctic penguin wearing shades.

Germany’s standout player was Jamal Musiala. Watching a bright young talent who could have declared for England bossing things for another country Irish fans observed ‘see, it’s really annoying isn’t it, England?’

Just as it looked like Germany were going lose once again, substitute Niclas Fullkrug spanked the ball harder than a dominatrix. Such was the speed of the strike, it was later seen being pulled over by the guards on the M50.

Belgium’s golden generation will now be melted down at a Cash4Gold outlet after their 2-0 loss to Morocco.

Belgium were poorer than an empty Trocaire box, largely down to Roberto Martinez’s team selection which saw the ghost of Eden Hazard starting once again backed up by a centre half pairing older than a fossilised mammoth.

Responding to his teammate Kevin De Bruyne’s comments that the Belgium team were too old to win the World Cup, Jan Vertonghen responded “who is Kevin? Where am I? Why are these guys kicking footballs at us?”

Abdelhamid Sabiri scored Morocco’s first goal whipping in a dangerous free kick which found its way into the net after Thibaut Courtois chose the worst possible time to go for a walk.

Zakaria Aboukhlal finished off the game by latching onto a Hakim Ziyech cross with a strike so smart it’s now working at CERN on the large hadron collider.

Good news: History was made as Alfonso Davies scored Canada’s first ever World Cup goal.

Bad news: This just served to piss Croatia off who responded by scoring 4 goals.

Japan failed to clean up like their fans in the stadium at full time and wasted a golden opportunity to secure passage to the knockout stages by playing with all the composure of someone who had been knocked unconscious. Costa Rica’s goal came late in the game, and coming after a 7-0 spanking at the ends of Spain the result represented the biggest comeback since polio in the United States.

Elsewhere, Moroccan fans overturning cars and breaking windows in Belgium after their win will be mentored on how to properly celebrate by English fans who will teach them the ropes of racism, cocaine and beating themselves up.