LIVE UPDATES: Is This Fucking Bollocks Going To Do It?
WITH VOTING under way and polls closing in the UK this evening, many people are looking for all and any updates regarding the likelihood of general and all round monstrous bollocks Boris Johnson getting into power with a majority government.
WWN brings you all the info and developments. Be sure to refresh the page for fresh news updates:
FRESH UPDATES:
– Exit polls predict Britain’s poor to be euthanised by end of the week.
– Welp.
– Labour facing massive seat losses as Corbyn’s message of a more equal society that helps people instead of abandoning them to live and die in squalor fails to resonate with sadomasochistic voters.
– “You know what you voted for” a grinning Johnson declares while burning a £50 note in front of a homeless man.
– “Yes, finally this result means we’ll get Brexit done,” screeches one voter in triumph, unaware he’ll be bankrupted and die after being unable to pay medical bills incurred in the new Trump Leeds Hospital.
– Media already knocking on door of 10 Downing Street looking for their reward for anemic election coverage.
– ‘Is Brexit done now?’ update: No, no it is not.
– Porject election results definitive proof echo chambers have the worst acoustics in the world.
– If the exit poll were to bear fruit Britain’s 2019 general election will join Brexit, the 2016 US Election and when Joey and Rachel got together in Friends as one of the great ‘what the fuck?’ moments.
– More from a triumphant Johnson: “Today, Britain has wholeheartedly and passionately rejected the concept of a compassionate society built for everyone.”
EARLIER UPDATES:
– PM Boris Johnson arrives at his polling station, says very little to the media before heading in. His decision to wear a ‘Fuck The Poor’ t-shirt when voting has been criticised as ‘a bit on the nose’.
– If successful Johnson will remain the first and only Human Sheepdog and mentally impaired cabbage to be prime minister of Britain.
– Corbyn made his way to vote in Islington and wore a plain white cotton t-shirt to his polling station which on closer inspection, carried out by the Daily Telegraph, revealed it was made entirely out of Josef Stalin’s skin.
– Corbyn reiterated his pledge that antisemitism would be rooted out of his party, while Johnson confirmed that the Tory’s inquiry into Islamophobia would be, whether he wins or loses the election, dropped like a hot snot.
– In a sign that the push for anti-Tory ‘tactical voting’ is working Labour voters on Twitter are convincing one another to vote Labour.
– Oh, fuck yeah, we forgot about them. The Lib Dems are still a thing, sort of. Their Jo Swinson voted and did the whole embarrassing ‘look at me, I’m going to have an important part to play’ thing leaders of small parties do.
– In Northern Ireland, a Truman Show-esque production is underway, observed and facilitated by the English public. It’s amazing to watch, for all intents and purposes, Northern Irish ‘voters’ taking to the ‘polls’ think they’re participating in the election and that they mean something to the UK.
– Hacking away at voting boxes now with an axe to get them open, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg has confirmed from what she’s seen and heard it’s going to a terrible day for Labour so whatever you do, do not bother going out to vote for them.
– Voters have been asked why they’re voting Conservative; they’ve all answered the same thing – Jeremy Corbyn caused the holocaust.
– While Michael Gove has been found sniffing around polling stations, the PM’s father Stanley Johnson has been refusing ordinary people entry to polling stations until they correctly spell Pinocchio out loud.
– HIGH PROFILE TORIES AT RISK OF LOSING SEATS: They include Dominic Raab, Ian Duncan Smith, the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the ghost of Harold Shipman and Peter Andre.
– CONFIRMATION: Jacob Rees Mogg might be allowed in front of cameras by the Tory party again once the election is over, when it will once more be safe to degenerate the victims of Grenfell all he likes, safe in the knowledge it won’t affect the Tories carefully crafted image of being champions of the downtrodden.
– If Corbyn is elected, scientists at CERN will throw 5 year’s worth of anti-Labour Daily Mail headlines into the Large Hadron Collider and make everyone’s worst baseless fears come true.