HSE To Put Thousands Of People Into Medically Induced Comas To Cut Down On Waiting Times

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PATIENTS waiting for occupational therapy treatments from the HSE have been offered a place on a new scheme that would see them put into a medically induced coma to lessen their suffering while they wait.

The plan comes after new figures that show the occupational therapy waiting list has swollen by 50% since August of last year, with an estimated 30,000 men, women and children waiting for a first time consultancy, with at least 5,000 of those waiting a year or more.

Given that occupational therapy is commonly used to help people overcome and manage disabilities in order to maintain a decent standard of living, with many using the therapies to recover from serious accidents, the HSE have declared that the most humane thing to do would be to pump the people on the waiting list full of sedatives and ‘keep them comfortable’ until their appointment rolls round.

“We’ll administer the injections at the patients house, ‘cos of the aul bed shortage, you know yourself hi,” said a spokesperson for the HSE while eating a Fry’s Peppermint Cream.

“And we’ll give their minder enough to keep them sedated for the next 18 months or so, or however long they’ll be waiting. This way, they’re not living in discomfort, and we’re not listening to hours of phone calls from people crying about how they can’t access services that would help them live a normal life. We’ve checked, and all this is within our budget for 2018, so we really don’t see what the problem is”.

It has also been confirmed that patients will be taken out of their comas for their consultation, before being put under for another two years while they wait for their first treatment.

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