“I’m Definitely Not Drinking Until The Weekend,” Vows Delusional Waterford Man

WATERFORD native Martin McCarty has vowed not to drink until the weekend, in a bid to lose some weight and become healthy.

Mr. McCarthy made the pact with himself at half past eight this morning while driving to work.

“Nope. That’s it now. It’s only a comfort thing anyway, so it should be no problem to knock it on the head during the weekdays,” he thought. “I’ll be fit as a fiddle in no time”.

The father of none, who admits to drinking 3-4 beers every night as a “nightcap”, already began to worry about what he’ll do without the cold frosty beverages to sip from.

“I suppose I can always start that Breaking Bad program everyone’s on about,” he pondered aimlessly, memorising the silky smooth texture of his favorite wheat beer, Franziskanner. “I can always get a non-alcoholic one in Tesco on the way home. Be grand”.

“It’s only the taste I like anyway,” added the delusional 34-year-old, who was now counting how many nights he had left until Friday.

“Bollocks! The match is on Wednesday! The lads won’t understand. I’ll have to pretend I’m busy or something,” he panicked.

By lunchtime, Mr. McCarthy already agreed with himself to just have the few on Wednesday night instead of Friday, claiming that spacing out his drinking may be a better idea altogether.

“It will give my liver time to recuperate!” he explained to his subconscious. “Besides, it’s the one day after another session that does the damage. I read it in the Daily Mail once”.

“Maybe it might be best to just start this whole giving up thing on Wednesday instead. Best ease into it,” he concluded, putting all his anxieties behind him for another two days.