Aries March 21 – April 19
There’s many ways to skin a cat, but you should just throw little Snuffles in the bin.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Oh, I dunno…write a song or something? Just keep busy.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
If you build it, they will come. No, I’m not going to be any clearer. Vague is kind of my thing.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Cancer and Leo conspire against you resulting in you being 3 minutes late for work. Admittedly, their acts of espionage aren’t that dastardly
Leo July 23 – August 22
This week due to some quick thinking on your part the kids will never learn of their Father’s crippling drug habit and love of violence. I still think a 3 foot grave is too shallow though.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
I see a little silhouette-o of a man scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the Fandango.
Libra September 23 – October 22
In the name of the Father, the Spirit and the Holy Ghost you will ill advisedly spend your days forcing your religious beliefs on innocent bystanders.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You will do that ridiculous run again after being waved across the road by a kind motorist letting you cross. You really need to work on that.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This Wednesday will have you regurgitating every bit of football news you heard throughout the day, forcing many of your friends to do the same.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
That cream isn’t working down there. Its only getting worse. I told you at the time Vics Vapour Rub was a bad substitute for KY.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Your relationship begins to end this week when your mother swaps mobile numbers with your girlfriend.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Beware of sentences that claim to know your future this week.