We Spent The Day Disguised As A Flamboyant Man To See What We Could Get Away With
KEEN to make use of a recent loophole in Irish law which allows you explain away sexually assaulting people provided you have a flamboyant public persona, the WWN Investigates team spent the day making sly innuendos with great aplomb while committing crimes.
Crime 1: Shoplifting
Despite making a joke about our gag reflex being missing longer than Shergar, one member of our team was detained by the guards for stealing over €700 worth of clothes from a Dublin city centre shop. The arresting gardaí will surely be disciplined (with my truncheon oh, behave) at a later date once he’s been made aware of the flamboyant loophole. ‘Biggest loophole I’ve ever seen’ etc
Crime 2: Kicking someone in the head
Yet another member of the WWN Investigative team was hauled off by the guards even though he threw glitter in the air post-head kick, in a wanton fashion that you just know came across as a fantastically flamboyant act.
Crime 3: Racial abuse
We even included a bit about how black fellas do be having big mickeys and that, but the man who reported us to the gardaí for hurling abuse at him while utilising our newly found flamboyance, seemed oblivious to the fact that under Irish law racism doesn’t count when you’re flamboyant. Boy, will he be embarrassed when we suffer no consequences for our actions.
Crime 4: Setting a car on fire
The gardaí of Ireland have such a poor grasp of Irish law. The Investigates team was down to just one member after we torched some women’s car.
Crime 5: Sexually assaulting several men
Finally! We got away with something. In fact, we even got offered several prominent jobs in the Irish media. Utilising a loophole we hadn’t been aware of up until this point. It turns out, if you were aware of longstanding rumours and allegations against someone, and if you pretend you’ve never heard about them, then you’re free to hire that person, repercussion free. Phew, we were worried there for a second we’d actually broken the law.