Construction Of Children’s Hospital To Begin Once Enough People Have Profited From It

IN a statement issued this morning, Minister for Health Leo Varadkar announced that the long-in-development National Children’s Hospital (NCH) has finally reached the planning permission stage, as enough people profited from the initial development process.

The fate of the badly-needed paediatric facility will then lie in the hands of An Bord Pleanála, where it will remain until everyone involved has milked it for as much as they can.

The NCH has been in development for over 6 years, during which time debate has raged over where it should be located. In the end, the Government opted to locate the NCH on the grounds of St. Jame’s Gate: widely regarded as the single worst option available to them by everybody who isn’t being paid to think otherwise.

Over the years, several architectural companies designed very impressive models and computer-generated mock-ups of the proposed facility, while consultants consulted with consultations. The cost of getting the project to the stage where it can be submitted for planning permission has reached €16million, without a brick laid.

“The new hospital is going to be deadly, it’s going to be bright and shiny and sick kids are going to have a blast altogether,” said Minister Varadkar, visibly excited that he finally got a chance to do something as Minister for Health.

“And forget people criticising the fact that a supposedly National hospital is going to be located in a highly congested part of Dublin rather than a more accessible site outside the city: you’ll all change your tune if this place get’s built. There’s going to be rocket ships painted on the walls! Wait, did I say ‘if this place get’s built’? Sorry…When. When this place gets built”.

Meanwhile, sick children who are currently in desperate need of updated facilities have expressed disappointment at the fact that they’ll be old enough to go to “the grown-ups hospital” by the time the NCH is opened.