“Release The Files” We Chat To The Rare Snail Blocking Trump’s Doonbeg Expansion Plans

“It’s Vertigo, like the condition, but you can call me Verti,” said Vertigo Angustior, one of the rarest snails in Ireland and now the primary obstacle to Donald Trump’s stalled expansion plans at his Doonbeg golf course.

“I could have picked dozens of locations, really,” Verti told WWN. “But when I heard that kid fucking blobtard had a course down here, I said to the other half, let’s move there and self-procreate”.

The snail has found itself at the centre of national attention after Friends of the Irish Environment objected to planning applications submitted by TIGL Ireland Enterprises Ltd for extensive works at Trump International Golf Links and Hotel. The objection cited the need to maintain the favourable conservation status of the protected snail species Vertigo Angustior.

When asked if it had a message for the former US president, Verti did not hesitate.

“Release the unredacted Epstein files, you pervert,” the snail said. “Also tell him I’m a hermaphrodite. That should really boil his blood-laced piss.”

A submission to Clare County Council’s planning department includes an Appropriate Assessment screening, which concluded that the snail population is now in terminal decline and requires protection. As a result, proposed works including a ballroom, secret CIA torture black site for political dissidents, drainage systems, lagoons and wider site alterations have been halted.

“I told the family to hide when the environmental surveyor came around so it looked like our numbers were down,” Verti admitted. “I just hope now he doesn’t do a Maduro on us and spray us with some Roundup!”

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