How To Gently Break It To Your Children That Santa Claus Is Buried In Italy & His Bones Have Been ‘Oozing Liquid’ For 1700 Years

IT’S A TOUGH BREAK and especially stings this close to Christmas but your kid has cornered you with the news they’re not buying this Santa Claus bullshit anymore.

In addition to this news, they also relay that they have stumbled upon a viral social media post detailing the fact the inspiration for Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas is not only long dead and buried in Italy but his bones have apparently been ‘oozing a liquid’ every year for the past 1700 years.

Here’s how to navigate this testing time for you as a parents:

First off loudly state ‘what the fuck dude?’ at your child.

“Fucking ‘oozing’, can bones even fucking ‘ooze’?” – you exclaim at such a loud volume your child recoils in shock, their body shaking slightly due to fright.

“And hang on, it’s saying here the fucking church bottles this ‘oozy liquid and sells it to worshippers’? Honey, come in here, are you hearing this shit?” – should be the next words out of your mouth, you’ll need back up to deal with this.

“Fucking oozing liquid? From the bones? Ew, ew, ew, I think I’m going to be sick” – your spouse will also exclaim while dry retching.

“Why the fuck would you tell us this? Honey, we need to get the kid checked out asap, what the fuck is wrong with you? Your sister just cried when she found out he wasn’t real, you’re up here reading about oozing fucking bones?” – you’ll say, spiralling and panicking as you can never quite look at your dear child the same way again.

Not every crossroads you reach during parenting is successful, sometimes you freak the fuck out when you learn Santa’s bones are in a church in Italy, oozing liquid and that’s okay. You can’t get it right all the time.

There’s not much left to do except return what gifts you’ve already bought for your child and use the money for therapy.

“No, we’re not putting the Christmas tree, go play with your sister and leave me here to contemplate the fuck bones apparently ooze, you’ve ruined Christmas, you know that? I have nightmares about this now. Oozy, boney Santa chasing me through the streets, I hope you’re fucking happy” – you tell your child, perhaps taking it a little too far.

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