Traitors Addict Finding Herself Scrutinising Work Colleagues, Family Members, Friends, Everyone

LOCKED into a chronic state of perpetual scrutiny, local woman and die-hard Traitors addict Shirley Holden has spent the morning analysing every single person she comes in contact with since the finale of her favourite series aired last night.

“Mark in sales is definitely a Paudie,” the 31-year-old muttered as the seemingly harmless elderly sales manager photocopied briefing sheets for his daily meeting. “That silver fox façade. Those twenty pictures of grandchildren on his desk. Yeah, I’m on to you, you bloody old snake.”

Teetering on the threshold of paranoid schizophrenia after weeks of bingeing the Irish version of the show, Holden’s fiancé Gerry Murphy admitted he hasn’t the heart to tell her there’s also US, UK and Australian versions still to watch.

“She accused me of ‘plotting’ a surprise birthday party for her with her sister last week. Ruined the whole thing,” Murphy said. “The kids cried because she’d already searched the house for ‘clues’ and found their presents. She then screamed ‘Ha! I knew it!’ and high-fived herself at the kitchen table, jumping around like she won the lottery before then weeping with joy, but not because the kids got her presents, because she ‘won’ her game.”

Fears escalated last night when the mother-of-two was spotted in her purple hoodie with the hood pulled up while standing in the utility room.

“Her mood’s shifted. Like she’s been, what’s the phrase she uses, ‘recruited'” sighed Murphy, now seriously reconsidering their engagement.

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