Health Insurance Hike Notices Now Coming With Little Tube Of KY Jelly

MONETISERS of your family’s health have announced they will distribute free tubes of lubricant along with their latest price hike notices, in the hopes the financial burden won’t hurt quite so much as they proverbially ‘ram it up your already spasming anus’.

Health insurance companies, tasked with calculating how much your life is worth on a monthly basis, have confirmed prices will rise by between 3% and 5%, citing the word ‘premiums’ as though that should somehow make sense to you and your cash-starved family.

“Premiums have gone up, so nothing much we can do there,” a spokesbastard for state-owned health insurance provider VHI explained, just weeks after the company reported net profits of €36 million.

Relying on Ireland’s below-average public healthcare system to scare customers into overpriced subscriptions laced with clause-ridden terms and conditions, other insurers have followed suit with multiple hikes this year – some now announced so frequently they risk becoming a public health hazard of their own.

“They’ve got us by the balls with compulsory car insurance, and now, because no one trusts the public health system, these faceless corporate racketeers are fucking us each way ’til Sunday,” one Laya Healthcare customer told WWN, noting his premium rose by €500 this year. “There isn’t enough lube in Amsterdam to stop the financial pain.”

Meanwhile, expect a wave of family orientated adverts depicting cutsey animated private health scenarios which bypass years long public waiting lists in a bid to fearmonger you into fueling their ever-growing profit margins.

Support an independent, ad-free publisher by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE