President Leads Nation In Minute’s Silence For 40,000 Dead Fish

PRESIDENT Michael D. Higgins led the nation in a solemn minute’s silence at noon today, mourning the 40,000 innocent fish who perished in an incident already being called Blackwater Monday.

At a ceremony taking place on the banks of the poisoned river in Cork, Higgins laid a wreath that immediately withered upon contact with the polluted water before he delivered one of his trademark orations, an oration that moved many in attendance to tears:

“We gather here on the banks of the Blackwater, not merely to mourn, but to remember the thousands of brave shoals who perished. These fish were part of a school, but we shall sadly never learn. Our soil is sacred, not something to desecrate or burn. They lost a battle not with nets or hooks, but with a foe far more insidious: mysterious murky misfortune, possibly slurry from some fucking farm.”

As Higgins’ words dissolved into the stagnant air, a lone trumpet played One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Once I Caught a Fish Alive while the Irish state’s only working jet creaked overhead, trailing a faint mist of green, white, and gold.

UPDATE: A creamy white substance was initially seen in the water and thought to be the reason for the dead fish however, this has been ruled out. In a separate announcement, people from Cork have been asked to stop masturbating in public.

UPDATE 2: Now is probably a good time to point out the Irish government is seeking to downgrade the status of 466 waterways, including the Blackwater, so the state won’t be subject to EU fines for failing to maintain them.

Support an independent, ad-free publisher by buying yourself something nice in our shop HERE