Local Man Begins Weekly 3-Day Poisoning Ritual

FINALLY FEELING fresh, clear-headed, and mentally stable after last weekend’s chaos, Mark Lyons is eagerly counting down the final 53 minutes of work until he can begin his weekly three-day poisoning ritual, kicking off with post-work pints this Friday evening.

“I feel incredible. No anxiety, sharp mind, full of motivation – I could literally do anything right now… but first, a few drinks with the lads from work,” Lyons told himself, leg bouncing with anticipation as he tapped his phone’s touch screen to bring up the time.

Promising himself Monday he was not going to get caught in what is now a 20-year-cycle of poisoning himself with a cocktail of drink and drugs, the 38-year-old pondered whether he should leave the bag until tomorrow night instead, before talking himself out of it.

“Maybe I’ll leave the bag ‘til Saturday. Or… no, best take it all tonight so I can drive Monday,” he reasoned, forgetting he’s still likely to be done for substances he took last weekend.

The lies continued: “I’ll be good tomorrow. Then a few early ones Sunday. Gym Monday. Sweat it all out. Back on track.”

The sacred 3-day ritual, faithfully observed by tens of thousands of fellow shamans across the country, often creeps into a fourth or fifth day, depending on how deeply one chooses to ‘connect with themselves’ via chemical annihilation.

“Oh fuck, it’s a bank holiday!” Lyons suddenly remembered, lighting up as a ‘3 for €200’ Telegram message pinged from his local supplier.

“Sure it’s a short week next week – I won’t even feel it going.”