“I Can’t Keep Up The Lie, My Parents Think I’m In Fontaines D.C.”

WWN’s Opinion series gives a voice and platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week is the turn of failed musician and welfare recipient Ian O’Dowd, who told his parents he was in the band Fontaines D.C.

‘Yes, several years ago, in a bid to convince my parents that my decision to make it as a professional musician was not a mistake, I may have insinuated I was in a new band called Fontaines D.C.

Choosing them for their, at the time, modest success I thought the fact they had a song on the radio would be enough to keep them off my back for another year.

However, I had not factored in multiple international tours, Grammy nominations and what I presume is enough money to fuel a debaucherous drug-fueled hedonistic endless party.

This has all spiraled out of control, if I’m not fielding questions about “Grian and the lads”, I’m having to sleep in a tent down a laneway and avoid all face-to-face contact with my parents when the band are out on tour.

To make sure my parents don’t suspect anything I have on several occasions become addicted to drugs, as one presumes rock stars do. I can’t do another stint in rehab. Not because I don’t want to do drugs, turns out I love them, but there are financial implications for a jobless musician who can’t accept there isn’t a market for Funk Celtic Rap drummer.

Hurtfully, my parents bought my excuse that “I was deemed too ugly” to be in any of the posters for gigs or other promotional material.

I’ve signed copies of Dogrel for all the neighbours. Mam’s tennis friends keep asking what the fuck Starburster is about.

I need help, and remain open to all remedies to the situation that don’t involve coming clean about any of this.’