Car Insurance Cult Sacrifice ‘No Claims Bonus’ Effigy To The Gods In Late Night Ceremony

IN an undisclosed clearing deep within remote Irish woodland, a shadowy conglomerate of car insurance providers, brokers, and shareholders gathered under cover of night.

Clad in hooded cloaks and surrounded by flickering torchlight, the group chanted in unison as an effigy representing a once-sacred and now laughably irrelevant phrase was set ablaze: No Claims Bonus.

“More like ‘Fuck All’ Claims Bonus,” muttered one snickering broker to this undercover reporter, as the assembled cultists roared and clapped, praising the ancient art of annual premium hikes designed to gouge the Irish public with ever more creative justification – a cycle as old as the wheel itself.

“We’ve upped premiums by 25% since last year – best you do the same,” whispered one hooded man to another, sealing what appeared to be a mutual gouging pact, despite no clear reason for the increase beyond pure, unfiltered greed.

“Inflation’s only 2.1%, premiums were stagnant last year. Just feed them the usual crap about legal costs and fraudulent claims,” barked a suspected leader from atop a mossy boulder, as the effigy went up in flames. It took the form of a cardboard car, stuffed with gender-neutral mannequins representing the average Irish driver – careful, cautious, yet utterly screwed.

“The whole ‘no claims’ thing is well past its sell-by date,” said one laughing insurer, staring into the blaze. “Crash or no crash, it’s all the same to us, we’ll still ride them over the proverbial bonnet.”

As the ceremony ended and the smell of singed paperwork drifted into the trees, the cult leader offered a final reminder:

“Right lads, the health insurance ritual is next week – bring effigies representing sick children. We’re rolling out ‘Third Party, Fire & Theft Healthcare’ next year: covers sweet fuck all, costs €400 a month.”

With that, the cloaked congregation slithered back into society, boardrooms, advertisements promising savings and making a start on carefully wording your next car insurance renewal letter.

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