In A Reasoned Attempt To Quell Epstein Files Scandal, Trump Calls Followers The Dumbest Fucking Losers On The Planet

MASTERFULLY reading the room and showcasing his innate ability to communicate to the disenfranchised and angry, US president Donald Trump finally drew the furore around his administration’s handling of the Epstein case to a close.

“You big dumb stupid fucking losers. It’s only trafficked children we’re talking about, why do you do care, oh my God get over it, big-fucking-wup,” confirmed Trump in his latest statement to successfully convince his support base to abandon their interest in his deceased friend Jeffrey Epstein’s rumoured client list.

Marveling at how he definitively closed the door on the once contentious issue, the New York Times led with the headline ‘Showing A Willingness To Learn, An Understated Trump Issues An Olive Branch To Disloyal Voters’.

“Instead of calling for child rapists to be held accountable couldn’t you broke idiots go back to defending my spending bill which adds trillions to the debt and gives my rich friends huge tax breaks. And yeah I just fired the person who successfully prosecuted Ghislaine Maxwell, I suppose you slack jawed dimwits have a problem with that too,” added Trump in a Truth Social posting at 3am, a late-in-the night posting which suggested he was not at all panicked and preoccupied.

“How stupid do you have to be not to understand that I campaigned to release files on an arrest and apparent suicide that happened during my first term but none of that actually happened because Obama and Biden made up the file I said were real and that I would release. Incidentally I reiterate that there are still files that I can release as president but won’t because it’s not a big deal. Jesus, I’m surrounded by idiots,” continued Trump.

Despite the overwhelming success and rise in popularity that comes with insulting your supporters, some MAGA fans remain stubbornly interested in all things Epstein.

“I used to love Trump but this week has been the worst of my life. Knowing he won’t release those files? I can’t even enjoy the fact he’s cutting funding to public service media, kicking me off my health insurance, rounding up immigrant and detaining them without charge and abolishing the department of education,” one sad, once loyal follower of the US president lamented.

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