“Calls For St Colmcille Public Holiday” Reads Already Stretched Retail Owner On The Brink Of Financial Collapse

WIPING a bead of stress-induced sweat from his brow, Gareth Carson stared blankly at the newspaper, its latest headline blurring into a fog of worry and disbelief.

“How many more fucking saints do we have to worship?” the weary shop owner muttered, unsure when the relentless stream of new bank holidays, public holidays, and ever-growing sick leave entitlements would finally end.

Already battered by years of rising costs, Carson peered over the top of the page to scan his modest shop floor, trying to decide which employee would next fall victim to the financial axe after a motion proposed by Councillor Jimmy Kavanagh in Donegal, calling for a brand-new public holiday in honour of Saint Colmcille.

“Saint Colm-kill-small-business, more like,” Carson scoffed, bitterly considering whether the escalating financial pressure was part of a grand plan to force out small independents like himself and pave the way for billion-euro empires like Tesco, Aldi, and Lidl.

“It says here Aldi just announced another new store – good for them, the cunts! They can take the hit and keep expanding while folks like me quietly go under. How convenient.”

Determined to match the European average of twelve public holidays per year, the proposed Saint Colmcille Day would fill the final gap in the calendar, landing in July as most other month’s already have a public holiday lined up.

“Fantastic. I get to shell out more money for no return, just to honour a religious figure no one actually cares about – except for the day off they’ll squeeze out of it,” Carson concluded, folding the newspaper with the kind of care one might give to a redundancy letter.

Countering Carson’s gloomy outlook, local sessioners have confirmed they look forward to going ‘absolutely mental’ during the first ever St Colmcille Bank Holiday weekend while loitering outside his shop.

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