“My Life Actually Sucks” Riley Vigorously Refutes Lavish Lifestyle Claims

IN an exclusive sit-down with WWN, alleged life-coaster Damien Riley has revealed that his supposedly charmed existence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Contrary to the popular phrase, Riley insists he leads a painfully average life filled with the usual 21st-century burdens.

“I get up early, go to work for the man, pay my taxes – just like everyone else,” the 33-year-old insisted. “I know what people say: ‘The life of Riley this, the life of Reilly that,’ but no one ever actually asks what kind of life I lead. So I’m here to set the record straight.”

The heir-in-waiting to the semi-notorious Riley name, Damien claimed his upbringing was anything but privileged.

“My parents didn’t mollycoddle me. I cycled to school, worked in McDonald’s to pay my college fees. No silver spoon here,” said Riley, who now works 38 hours a week as a barista in Costa. “My dad hated the family’s reputation for being loaded freeloaders, so he made an example of me – street cred for him, trauma for me.”

Despite his attempts at humility, Riley admitted he still faces public perception problems.

“Customers come in and go, ‘You’re one of the Rileys, you have it handy.’ Yeah, pal? Want that frappuccino with a splash of my saliva?”

He did, however, concede that once his parents pass on, all bets are off.

“Man, when the auld pair pop their clogs I’m going full Donald Trump Jr,” Riley foresees. “Parties every night. Hookers. Drugs. Sports cars. A small flat in Dublin. The world is my oyster.”

Tragically, WWN would like to extend condolences to the Riley family following Damien’s untimely death just hours after this interview after he was reportedly beaten to death by a customer after serving him a cold flat white.