Putin Getting Pretty Sick Of Al-Assad Leaving Dirty Socks Everywhere

ALMOST six months into his unexpected stay with Russian President Vladimir Putin, exiled Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad is reportedly starting to get on everyone’s nerves, most of all Putin’s, with sources claiming the friendship has entered the “he’s about one misadventure out the top-floor window” phase.

“He’s leaving gone-off hummus in the fridge, socks on the floor, and pubey moustache hairs in the sink,” an anonymous Kremlin insider told WWN. “Vladimir is getting really sick of his horseshit.”

Forced to flee Syria with his family earlier this year, Assad has apparently struggled to adapt to Russia’s colder climate, greasier cuisine, and most of all Putin’s pathological obsession with order, control, and meticulously maintained spice racks.

“Vlad chastised him for mixing up the paprika and the turmeric. He keeps everything alphabetised. We’ve had 14 chefs sent to gulags for less,” the source added.

Relations were further strained by Assad’s physical stature and unfortunate habit of gently patting Putin – who stands at a famously irritable 5ft 7in – on the head while telling him to “calm down, hun.”

“Let’s just say that sort of thing doesn’t fly in the Kremlin,” the source concluded. “There’s only so much passive-aggressive head-patting and fridge stinking a man like Putin can tolerate before someone accidentally drinks a nice warm cup of Novichok tea.”

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