“Windowless Carriage So There’s No Views Of Cork”: Breakdown Of €2bn Cost For Cork Luas

A DRAFT route has been unveiled for Cork’s answer to the Luas, the Cork Urban Network Tram or CUNT for short, and with it comes the eye-watering projected cost of €2bn (final cost somewhere closer to ‘never built’).

But just what is the money being spent on? Waterford Whispers News drilled down on the numbers:

Blacking out all the windows on the trams to prevent any unnecessary and unsightly glances of Cork are thought to be the most costly aspect of the CUNT.

Unique headlights on the trams will be based on Cillian Murphy’s piercing blue eyes.

Construction of a viewing deck on the northside from which residents there can view the CUNT make its way along the southside of the city. There will protective screens erected to prevent any unnecessary breathing on the trams by Norries.

The purchase of 14,384 shovels to be used by local politicians for the purpose of easy photo opps in which they claim all credit for the making CUNT possible.

An education effort will be rolled out with the purpose of explaining to Cork natives that there is nothing to fear and that the contraption is simply a ‘tram’, and not a blood thirsty Transformer robot that feasts on the flesh of Leesiders.

The installation of strategically placed trap doors and ejection seats in the event of Dubliner making their way onto a tram.

Additional budget will be sought if tram is rebranded Cluas, necessitating the addition of a giant set of ears on the each tram.

Clearing space on Patrick’s Street to demarcate an official ‘strike zone’ for when CUNT drivers inevitable strike for better pay and working conditions.

A tram depot will be built onto the Cork Convention Centre which according to that construction project’s draft plans has already been built.

A 1,000 capacity park and ride facility will require heavy security presence to move along local perverts (plentiful in Cork) who misinterpret the meaning of ‘park and ride’.

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