Impact Of G-Force Set To Cost Jeff Bezos Thousands In Plastic Surgery Fees
WHAT WAS supposed to be the sort of boring, run of mill gift any parasitic billionaire would bestow upon a his fiance has turned into a costly error for Jeff Bezos, after the effect of his Blue Origin celebrity space flight came into view.
Physicists on the Blue Origin payroll have questions to answer after the delicate balance of decades of nips and tucks were upended by the reintroduction of gravity to the face of Lauren Sanchez as she re-entered the Earth’s atmosphere, reversing the costly work of some of the finest surgeons money can by.
“This is the same shit that happened when I went up there, I lost a hair and you clowns told me I was going to be fine,” raged Bezos, who asked if the impact of g-force could be mitigated by buying a controlling stake in gravity.
“Fly every available plastic surgeon out here stat, the effects of the gravity is so bad Lauren can clearly emote using facial expressions,” said Bezos, who was considering sending his fiance directly back into space to reverse the effects lest she develop a second wrinkle.
While the world was celebrating this undeniable feminism win, Bezos was counting the cost.
“It won’t be as costly as my previous divorce, which led my ex to give away billions to charity instead of doing something worthwhile like sending Gayle King and Captain Kirk to space,” said a teary-eyed Bezos, before reaching for the number of Demi Moore’s contact in The Substance.
An inspirational space mission devoid of venality and in no way a metaphor for a broken world saw Katy Perry join the ranks of Valentina Tereshkova and Neil Armstrong, and was moved by the experience.
“I hope this inspires everyone out there to dream, because one day you could be a multi-multi-millionaire who is given the chance to do some publicity for a billionaire’s stupid space tourism company too,” said an emotional Perry.
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