Newstalk Dads Drafted In To Fill Gap In Declining Garda Numbers

THE IMPENDING increase in the scarcity of gardaí has led to a radical solution which will see Newstalk loving dads being deputised added to the force.

“No one is as eager, nor has the same ability to come up clear-eyed deranged solutions to the issue of Irish crime than Dads who shout at the Newstalk while out for a drive. Their invaluable minds, encased in a blood vessel bulging head the colour of an inflated tomato, could be the key to reduce the rate of 50 murders they believe to be occurring on O’Connell Street this very minute to zero,” explained lead garda recruiter Kevin Lambert.

Faced with a raft of impending retirements, sudden departures and a struggle to attract young people to job, the tapping of the bountiful resource that is the nation’s Newstalk Dad supply could prove to be a valuable breakthrough.

“Losing 2,000 police officers in two years would hit any force hard, but these Dads, they’re built different. They have the stamina to complain for 4 hours about how their neighbour should be arrested for leaving the green bin out on the path a full 10 minutes after it was emptied, we’re in safe hands,” confirmed Lambert, who quit in the seconds after finishing this sentence.

For their part, the Newstalk Dad aren’t taking their new found responsibility lightly, voluntarily cutting their own pay, abolishing overtime pay and raising the standards of the fitness test while exempting themselves from all measures.

“It’s all about community policing. A routine first offence of shop lifting requires a simple solution; immediate deportation to a hostile island populated by crocodiles, that’ll straighten them up,” said one Dad, who has already sent 50 work emails to the Minister of Justice demanding the return of the death penalty for loitering.

“I don’t think it’ll be too hard, I’ll just tell my superiors we need to call in the army, bit of commonsense, and obviously we’ll be NATO so we can just firebomb certain areas,” added another new middle-aged recruit discussing the crime of someone telling him he can’t park in a disabled spot.

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