Warden Appointed To Daniel O’Connell Statue As Tourists Keep Fondling Crotch

EXPANDING the city-wide warden force tasked with preventing randy tourists from groping statues, Dublin City Council has confirmed it is now looking for a warden to guard the Daniel O’Connell statue.

“His crotch has started to develop a golden gleam since we started guarding the breasts of Molly Malone,” a spokesperson for DCC explained, as perverted visitors branch out for other inanimate body parts to feel.

“They’ve become desperate and our fear now is we will need a statue warden on every statue in the city – not even the gargoyles are safe anymore”.

Speaking with several self-confessed statue gropers, WWN asked what it is that attracts these people to molest cold, hard depictions of male and female organs.

“I can’t resist a shiny boob laced with other people’s DNA,” replied Jimmy Tiersen, a US tourist who spends his free time traveling the world to grope statues.

“I got 6 months for sucking off Michelangelo’s David, totally worth it,” revealed 78-year-old Sheila Carey, from Cork.

“I dunno, there’s just something erotic about climbing up behind a statue in front of families, reaching the hand around and really going for it, I suppose I’m an exhibitionist at heart,” added another freak.

Meanwhile, DCC has also confirmed that the new wardens will be equipped with miniature water cannons to ‘cool down’ any would-be fondlers.

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