“I’m Cured”: Insomnia Sufferer Sleeps For First Time In Two Years During Manchester Derby

“I TRIED EVERYTHING, not even that dead boring Brutalist movie or Keir Starmer narrating the audio book of the Dulux colour wheel could do what the Manchester derby did, it saved my life!”

The words of chronic insomnia sufferer Liam Clinton, who has finally achieved some shut-eye two long years after he last was able to sleep.

“Some people look at United spending over a billion on the pitch and sacking the tea-lady and say this blunt abomination of a team with a strike force made of wet noodles is a disgrace but I owe them and Pep Guardiola my sanity,” explained Clinton, who lost consciousness and began a deep sleep midway into the first half of the game.

“I was briefly woken up by the sounds of an Irish man arguing with himself at half time but then I was out like a light again,” added Clinton, whose has begged both clubs to send him a HD recording of the game played at .5 speed.

Clinton’s run of Xs (expected sleeps) of 0 during every day for the last two years came to an end thanks to City and United showing less interest in scoring than a eunuch on a deserted island.

Meanwhile, City manager Guardiola condemned unseemly chanting about Phil Foden’s mother, stating had supporters had the class to chant about how ungrateful slave labourers in the UAE are, he’d have no issue whatsoever.

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