“Danny Healy Rae’s Carvery Bill Will Bankrupt Us”: Inside The Room Of Government Formation
THE IRISH TIMES has reported today on the nitty gritty of government formation talks as they gained access to sources within the room itself.
However, what stale legacy media doesn’t know is that young fresh upstart Waterford Whispers News hid an intern in the walls of Leinster House. Literally.
Posing as plasterers shortly after the election was held five weeks ago we gained access to government buildings and took a sledgehammer to a load bearing wall.
What we lacked in knowledge about the structural soundness of buildings we made up for in pasting wallpaper over the face and body of our intern so they seamlessly blended into the background.
Here is what he heard:
“The cunt has four stomachs. And you know he stretched that meeting out to six hours just so he could go back for 8th, 9th and 10th helpings” – Fianna Fáil negotiators on Danny Healy Rae’s appetite.
“His shirt had more gravy on it than a Bisto factory. And he wants to be Junior Minister for Pothole Repair?” – they added.
“Please Micheál, can I just be Taoiseach, even if it’s just for my birthday? Okay, okay, what about if you let me film one TikTok a week from the Taoiseach’s chair?” – a teary-eyed Simon Harris could be heard.
“Did you hear Katherine Zappone’s back? With a new haircut ‘n all. If she thinks the Irish public will fall for that, and that she can just waltz into a Seanad seat then she’s completely right, they’re thick as shite” – one special advisor was heard to say.
“You can be in government with us, sure, but name one non-corrupt Fianna Fáil leader first?” – Micheál Martin, holding a number of pop quizzes for independent TDs.
“No, no, we’ll SAY we’ll pass the Occupied Territories Bill, but then we’ll sit on it for 5 years. You in?” – Simon Harris, tempting a rural independent into supporting a FF/FG coalition.
“You can stay up after 9pm bedtime if you get this sorted before the 19th so I can spin out to the US as Taoiseach for Trump’s inauguration,” – Micheál Martin, motivating FF lead negotiator JAck Chambers.
“No Michael, we’ve no mobile phone licences for you to sell off, but would a gas pipe line do? Or some state land for developers?” – negotiating teams trying to dangle a carrot for Michael Lowry.
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