Man City To Draft In Sam Allardyce As Defence Coach

DESPITE bringing Man City’s 5-game losing streak to an end by giving up a 3-0 lead against Feyenoord, the club’s hierarchy have gone over the bald scrape-covered head of Pep Guardiola and appointed Sam Allardyche as a specialist defence coach.

“I actually think my contract says ‘get it launched coach’ but yeah delighted to be here and lend a hand to a club in crisis,” explained Allardyce who believes with a big man up top already in place Man City are perfectly set up to avoid relegation.

“We’ve got to stop the rot; positional play, phases, pressing, all that fancy foreign fluff can wait. There’s only one way out of this and it’s by swinging a leg at the nearest opponent until there are no opponents left able to walk,” Allardyce said in his first session with Ederson, Bernardo Silva, Phil Foden and Savinho.

Clearly in need of an immediate culture change owing to the fact the outdated dinosaur football Guardiola prefers; high pressing, tiki-taka style is no longer working, many see Allardyce as inspired addition.

“It doesn’t start on training pitch, we have to do a root and branch overhaul. The lads’ nutrition is a disgrace,” explained Allardyce who has put pints of wine and gravy back on the menu.

Elsewhere, football physicists have speculated that football’s very axis shifted when Erik Ten Hag was sacked, removing the league’s resident ‘bald fraud’ thus opening a football black hole which is slowly swallowing Guardiola whole.

UPDATE: an update will appear here in May 2025 when Man City inevitably win the league.

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