Diary Of A New Dublin Bus Security Guard

TODAY marks the first day in a 20-week trial on Dublin Bus that will see security guards operate on services.

We asked one new security guard, 6-foot-five Aleksandr Tamm, originally from Estonia, who eats more protein in a day than a bear preparing for winter hibernation and bench presses 300lbs to write an account on his first day on the job.

9am: Pensioner pull knife, say I cannot look at travel card. She is small but knife is big so I let her stay on bus.

9.35am: Passenger says he is the Jesus. Funny, very funny but then he try to nail self to bus stop. Driver Tomas say I lucky I get such quiet day things usually ‘mental’.

10.11am: Nice young boy afraid nobody has internet, plays TikTok out loud for everyone on bus. Must has special speaker because it louder than Jesus man screams when the first nail hit by his hammer in hand.

10.31am: Very strange I on bus but then bus suddenly disappear from face of the Earth. People I see at bus stop say they late for appointments and this happen a lot. Nobody at HQ look for bus, say it just thing that happens.

2.55pm: Important call to crazy bus where teenage boys make problems. I grab many by neck, throw from top deck, they learn lesson.

3.00pm: Important call to crazy bus where teenage girls make problems. I tell them stop but they make insult about my muscle, say I over-constipate because mommy and daddy did not love me. Lady on bus very kind, she give me tissues for when I cry. This job too tough. Not good enough pay for therapist.

8.55pm: This next one fun, blood everywhere two man wearing suit fight because alcohol, I help pick up one man teeth. I tell driver we ring Gardaí, driver say gardaí are like disappearing table times bus only worse, no point in call.

9.30pm: I ask bosses it time to put toilet on bus like other countries, many people do the shit on the seat, they so embarrassed they not even tell bus driver or me. Just leave it as bad surprise for passenger.

10pm: Shift finish in town called Bray. It is not Dublin but I work on Dublin Bus. It very confusing. I ask driver to explain he tells me it secretly Dublin. More confused. To get home for me the driver say it easier not to be on bus but the Dart train. More, more confused. Now I see why old pensioner with knife so angry.