Man Refused Home Care And Housing Adaptation Grant To Identify As Dáil Security Guard, Politician’s Bike

A LOCAL man suffering from several disabilities has pleaded with the government to be treated like a Dáil security guard or even a politician’s bike in the hopes of receiving funding so he can live at home like a normal human being after falling through the c̶r̶a̶c̶k̶s̶ canyons of the Irish health system.

John Martin (67), who has been following a wave of revelations about government misspending, has instructed solicitor Kevin Riordan to legally classify him as something more important to the government, as being an Irish citizen who worked hard all his life seemingly isn’t enough to secure him the care he needs.

“Dáil printer, shed, security guard hut, personal trainer; whatever works my client will self-identify as if it means he’ll get the basic care he needs,” Mr. Riordan said of his client, who was turfed into a nursing home by the council as they refused funding the renovations needed to cater for his current conditions.

Issuing carefully worded sound bites like, ‘that’s awful’, ‘someone should be held accountable’ and ‘is it nearly time for Christmas holidays yet, these plebs are really bumming us out lately’, politicians responsible for the ongoing expenditures called for some sort of accountability, wondering who to scapegoat this time in their long history of passing the buck.

“What do you mean BAM didn’t build them? Ah yes, they were built on time. Okay, is there any way of pinning this on the Shinners?” a conversation overheard in government corridors revealed.

“Just tell them we’ll look into it like we’re doing with all the other stuff we’re looking into but never will. Elections are coming soon and these goldfish will have forgotten by then anyway”.

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