“Just Finishing Up The Last Pint” Texts Lying Bastard Husband

TYPED with all the grace and attention of a scribe penning a chapter of the Bible, local man Mark Rogers’ tongue protruded slightly from his mouth as he lied blatantly to his wife with his usual go-to reply after being asked when he’d be coming home.

Shushing the lads as if she could hear them somehow, Rogers simultaneously ordered another round despite having a full pint in front of him, knowing timing was of the essence here if he is to pull off one of the greatest cons of his career.

“Just finishing up the last pint,” he wrote, now cupping the phone in respect of his wife as he added a round of sambuca chasers to the round, “we’re having great chats here – it’s great to finally see all the lads out again,” he added in the hopes of seeding guilt ahead of what will no doubt be a long wait for his return.

Carefully watching the typing notification as his wife formed her reply, Rogers’s heartbeat increased as if he was watching a 500-1 outsider he bet on approach the final fence in the lead.

“A thumbs up emoji! Shit lads, I think I may have a free pass on this one!” the naive 38-year-old exclaimed, parking 15 years of experience in such matters in favour of a sore head tomorrow and at least a week of grovelling.

“We were having such craic we didn’t even notice the time going,” the future couch-resident practiced as he fumbled for his front door keys, desperately trying to remember a similar incident carried out by his wife in the hopes of defending himself.

“Nope, I’m royally fucked now,” he realised as the almost unrecognisable stone-faced woman in pyjamas opened the door.

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