“I Don’t Know About You But I Think I’m Nailing This”


SPEAKING exclusively to WWN Tech, Twitter’s chief arsonist Elon Musk has confessed his performance during his first two weeks on the job has exceeded his wildest expectations.

“I can’t believe you guys doubted me. Me, the exploding batteries in cars guy. Me, the ‘hey I’ll give you a horse to give me a happy ending’ guy.

I’ve got the FTC on me like flies on shit, which has to be an epically cool Chad move; incurring fines in the billions, haha you think I have the mental capacity or impulse control to not bankrupt myself? Think again haters!

Employment laws are like my children; I don’t really see them and to be honest that doesn’t bother me.

Do you know how much restraint it takes to not call the 4,000 technology reporters telling me I’m cunt-punching myself in the brain all pedos?

Twitter under my vision couldn’t be clearer; more users will get to enjoy the $20 $8 verification blue tick official blue tick, you know what I’m cancelling this for now.

So, I’ve alienated some advertisers but a surefire way to win those advertisers back came to me in a dream, such is my mercurial genius, why not fire the content moderation team?

I paid $44bn for a company that has made a loss in 8 of the last 10 years and loaded it with $13bn in debt with $1bn a year owed in interest alone, and people actually thought I didn’t know what I was doing.

And to think people were saying I made Liz Truss look like the spawn of Albert Einstein.

Me, the genius who is solving traffic by inventing single lane traffic tunnels. Me, the genius who said ‘Tesla will have self-driving cars in 2017 but in 2022 test runs are still running over child-sized mannequins’.

In a bid to motivate employees, I’ve fired 50% of them, cut their ability to generate revenue by alienating advertisers, cut working from home as an option, banned people on Twitter for saying I have a dick that doesn’t work and loaded the company with debt. But thankfully, unlike at Tesla, we haven’t had to pay out $137mn to an employee for repeatedly being called racial slurs and co-workers drawing swastikas on their locker, yet.

I am self-actualising motherfuckers and it feels good. Hey, wow, I’ve never gone this long communicating without using a meme your concussion ravaged stoner ex-boyfriend from high school would have found hilarious, I think I’m close to peak performance.”