“Sack Him? I’m Fucking Promoting Him!”

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“CAN SOMEONE be health secretary, a Lord and super-deputy prime minister at the same time? Chancellor of the I-just-had-sex-with-her? There aren’t enough promotions in the world” a beaming and proud Boris Johnson was heard proclaiming within the confines of No.10 Downing Street.

“Fuck it, we’re in need of a new Duke of Edinburgh, right? And no one knows how to fill a vacancy, wink wink, better than good old Matt Caught With His Hancock Out,” Johnson continued, before inquiring if he could ‘have a go of the bit of totty’ once the Minister for Covid Deaths was finished.

Hancock, part of a shameless and morally bankrupt Tory government, was revealed to be having an affair with an aide he appointed to a government position (presumably missionary) at a time when the public couldn’t attend funerals or hug loved ones, but has refused to resign.

“Resign? I’ve had a hand in killing thousands and thousands with our criminal handling of Covid, I find it genuinely hilarious plebs think they have a say in any of this,” confirmed Hancock.

SAGE has expressed concern at footage obtained by The Sun which ‘seemed to show a mutant strain of the killer Tory virus trying to multiply’ and urged the public to do the exact opposite of ruling MPs and actually adhere to health and safety rules and measures.

“While it’s refreshing to find out he took the time to fuck something other than the NHS, there’s no way he should remain Health Secretary,” confirmed a naive UK public, of a man who survived handing out Covid contracts to friends.

In response to growing calls for him to resign or be sacked Johnson reassuringly informed Hancock “do what I do with my kids, just ignore the whole thing and it’ll eventually go away”.

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