Are You Farting Enough In Your Sleep?


RESEARCH has proven that the average human being needs to pass gas at least 18 times a night while they sleep to prevent themselves from waking up with a bloated, fart-filled stomach, but how can you be sure that you’re meeting this target?

If you’re worried that lack of nocturnal emissions may be causing you some serious side effects, a new fart-detecting technique may be just the thing you’ve been looking for.

By simply finding yourself a partner willing to share your bed; whether this is a spouse, lover, or just a one-night stand, you can obtain a full report on your nighttime farts every morning.

Your sleeping partner will be able to give you a comprehensive run-down on the amount of times you farted, the decibel level of each one, the quality of the smell and best of all, this service is 100% free.

”I get a fully categorised fart report from my wife at 7am every morning,” beamed a Waterford man we spoke to.

“I had concerns that I was holding in my poots at night, but she informs me that I’m farting loud and often. Now I can get up and go about my day without worrying about my digestive health”.

Fart reports are also available during waking hours, especially in enclosed spaces such as cars and lifts. Of course, you won’t need the report as you’ll be proudly aware of what an evil emission that just was.