WWN’s Horoscopes

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21 March – 20 April

Ah well, there’s always next week.


21 April – 21 May

The public has voted unanimously to kick you out of the country.


May 21 – June 20

You catch a glimpse of your bald spot on CCTV as you enter a shop. It’s much worse than you thought it was.  


June 21 – July 22

JK Rowling takes to Twitter to say how much she hates you.


July 23 – August 22

The kid up the road just stuck his hand in a fire. You know what to do.  


August 23 – September 22

Jeez, you deny the holocaust one time and people really get on your case about it.  


September 23 – October 22

You could do with a spotter when you’re getting up in the mornings.


October 23 – November 21

When the interviewer asked what your weaknesses are, he wasn’t expecting you to talk for quite so long.  


November 22 – December 21

You’re still getting over your 21st, and you’re nearly 40 now.


December 22 – January 19

You have an affair with your secretary, you absolute total walking cliche.  


January 20 – February 18

You lose the last of your baby teeth! At last! You’re a grown man!  


February 19 – March 20

In a move that surprises everyone except you, you get called up for Real Madrid’s first team.

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