WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Sweet! You find a USB key just lying on the ground. Best take it home to your expensive PC, plug it in and see what’s on it. Free USB!
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You struggle to find an excuse for how tired you are that doesn’t involve the fact that you sat up till 5 AM watching Wrestlemania.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your Top-Five-Celebrities-I’m-Allowed-Sleep-With list now contains about 78 people.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Time to study the rules of cricket, just so you have another sport to watch instead of doing weekend chores.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Sun’s out! You get a lovely bit of colour, minutes before being burnt to a fucking crisp.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
If it’s one thing you weren’t expecting in Tesco, it was a sliding tackle.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Your eyebrows are looking pretty Scorsese these days.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’re not addicted to pornography, you just like watching it all the time and get very cranky when you don’t.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You’ve started watching a shit TV show, and God Damn it you’re going to watch to the very end, even if you’re not enjoying it whatsoever.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You really fooled people with your Facebook status on April 1st, you absolute legend. Well done you.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You really didn’t think this whole ‘drill-a-hole-in-your-forehead’ thing through, did you?
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You settle down for another week of endlessly checking the same five websites over and over again, joylessly and for no real purpose.