WWN’s Horoscopes

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
SHARES

aries

21 March – 20 April

Sweet! You find a USB key just lying on the ground. Best take it home to your expensive PC, plug it in and see what’s on it. Free USB!

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You struggle to find an excuse for how tired you are that doesn’t involve the fact that you sat up till 5 AM watching Wrestlemania.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your Top-Five-Celebrities-I’m-Allowed-Sleep-With list now contains about 78 people.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Time to study the rules of cricket, just so you have another sport to watch instead of doing weekend chores.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Sun’s out! You get a lovely bit of colour, minutes before being burnt to a fucking crisp.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

If it’s one thing you weren’t expecting in Tesco, it was a sliding tackle.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your eyebrows are looking pretty Scorsese these days.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re not addicted to pornography, you just like watching it all the time and get very cranky when you don’t.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ve started watching a shit TV show, and God Damn it you’re going to watch to the very end, even if you’re not enjoying it whatsoever.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You really fooled people with your Facebook status on April 1st, you absolute legend. Well done you.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You really didn’t think this whole ‘drill-a-hole-in-your-forehead’ thing through, did you?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You settle down for another week of endlessly checking the same five websites over and over again, joylessly and for no real purpose.  

We appreciate all the help we can get, become a WWN Patreon Supporter below and gain access to bonus content.

Become a Patron!