WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your workday goes into extra time, and you lose on penalties.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You realise you’ve never read a book that didn’t have ‘now a major motion picture’ on the cover.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You didn’t think that ‘vomit head’ would stick as a nickname when they started calling you it 30 years ago, but here you are.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You realise that you weren’t the fastest sperm, you were just the only one that could be bothered.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Take two, they’re small.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You don’t think Trump’s victory is all that bad, to be honest. You also shit yourself on a regular basis.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Did you know screaming into the wind burns 990 calories an hour? Keep it up!
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The bloody media sneak round your house late at night and mess the place up. You just tidied!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You mark all your emails as read, even if you haven’t looked at them.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You stop wearing your FitBit because it keeps catching on the Pringles tin.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You make the argument that the US Jeremy Kyle show isn’t as good as the UK version.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Dem bones dem bones need calcium, not alcohol! Drink milk instead of beer at least once a week.