WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You finally agree to stop yelling “look who’s up in this motherfucker” every time you enter a room.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You go blind from watching too much Daredevil.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You appear to be getting over your crippling fear of reading horoscopes.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Facebook keeps asking you where you work. You’d better get some sort of story straight.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You don’t have Good Friday off work this year, so make arrangements to sneak a crucifix in and give it a cheeky veneration at your desk.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your co-worker is unappreciative of your nostalgia-fueled Chinese burn workshop.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Dieting sucks balls! You’re hungry all the God damn time!
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your attempt to fish for a compliment or two on Instagram backfires, and everyone tells you you look like a wet bucket of calf-nuts.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You run out of fingernails to bite, so you make a start on your entire hand.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Smell this milk and tell us if it’s gone off.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You buy a black market taser and now everyone everywhere looks like they could do with some damn good tasing. Tase them all!
pisces
February 19 – March 20
All your life you’ve been told not to stick things in sockets. Well, you’re a grown-up now, aren’t you? You gonna let them tell you what to do anymore?