WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You finally agree to stop yelling “look who’s up in this motherfucker” every time you enter a room.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You go blind from watching too much Daredevil.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You appear to be getting over your crippling fear of reading horoscopes.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Facebook keeps asking you where you work. You’d better get some sort of story straight.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You don’t have Good Friday off work this year, so make arrangements to sneak a crucifix in and give it a cheeky veneration at your desk.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your co-worker is unappreciative of your nostalgia-fueled Chinese burn workshop.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Dieting sucks balls! You’re hungry all the God damn time!

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your attempt to fish for a compliment or two on Instagram backfires, and everyone tells you you look like a wet bucket of calf-nuts.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You run out of fingernails to bite, so you make a start on your entire hand.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Smell this milk and tell us if it’s gone off.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You buy a black market taser and now everyone everywhere looks like they could do with some damn good tasing. Tase them all!

pisces

February 19 – March 20

All your life you’ve been told not to stick things in sockets. Well, you’re a grown-up now, aren’t you? You gonna let them tell you what to do anymore?  

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