Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
What’s that? You think you might have a “drinking problem”? Hey everyone, come check out this American here, with his “drinking problem”! Cop yourself on.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Why are you hitting yourself WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Wow, even Jupiter hates you this week, and Jupiter likes EVERYONE.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You continue hoping in vain that one day they’ll make a toothpaste that solves sensitive teeth, AND fights plaque, AND whitens.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Another one of your childhood heroes turns out to have been a sex offender. There’s only Don Conroy left at this stage.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You finally admit that for all the giving out you do about her, you totally would do Kim Kardashian.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You popped some Pringles in 1997 and you haven’t stopped since. You now weigh 34 stone and your heart has about 300 beats left before it packs in.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You finally come up with what would have been the perfect reply to that guy who gave you cheek at the bank three months ago.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Well done on getting all that rubbish into the green bin this morning, that’s literally the best thing you’ve ever done in your life.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
SORRY, YOU HAVE NOT WON. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You really are the Charlotte of the group, make no mistake.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Years of illegal downloading finally catches up with you. The Feds swoop on your house, seize your computer and hit you with fines of thousands and thousands of dollars. Your life is fucked. Goodbye.