Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

What’s that? You think you might have a “drinking problem”? Hey everyone, come check out this American here, with his “drinking problem”! Cop yourself on.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Why are you hitting yourself WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Wow, even Jupiter hates you this week, and Jupiter likes EVERYONE. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You continue hoping in vain that one day they’ll make a toothpaste that solves sensitive teeth, AND fights plaque, AND whitens.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Another one of your childhood heroes turns out to have been a sex offender. There’s only Don Conroy left at this stage. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You finally admit that for all the giving out you do about her, you totally would do Kim Kardashian.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You popped some Pringles in 1997 and you haven’t stopped since. You now weigh 34 stone and your heart has about 300 beats left before it packs in.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You finally come up with what would have been the perfect reply to that guy who gave you cheek at the bank three months ago.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Well done on getting all that rubbish into the green bin this morning, that’s literally the best thing you’ve ever done in your life. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

SORRY, YOU HAVE NOT WON. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You really are the Charlotte of the group, make no mistake.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Years of illegal downloading finally catches up with you. The Feds swoop on your house, seize your computer and hit you with fines of thousands and thousands of dollars. Your life is fucked. Goodbye.

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