21 March – 20 April
Not only are you a terrible disappointment to your family, you’re also a disappointment to humanity in general.
21 April – 21 May
Did you know a sneeze travels at upwards of 100mph? Doesn’t have anything to do with your horoscope, it’s just a nice piece of trivia.
May 21 – June 20
There was a time when you would only tell someone online to go kill themselves when arguing about things you felt incredibly strongly about? Nowadays you tell them to go kill themselves if they disagree with you about what the best episode of Friends was.
June 21 – July 22
As a culchie living in Dublin, the worst thing is that you have nobody to play 25 with.
July 23 – August 22
Be sure to put “RTs not an endorsement” on your Twitter bio. Everyone knows exactly what that means.
August 23 – September 22
Sew Guns N Roses patches onto all the arms of your suit jackets. You’re still rock ‘n roll.
September 23 – October 22
You shouldn’t be reading this while driving.
October 23 – November 21
Sing like nobody is listening. Dance like nobody is watching. Fart like nobody can smell.
November 22 – December 21
Your car breaks down this week. Completely unrelated to the engine warning light that’s been on the dash for the better part of a year.
December 22 – January 19
Of course you can still take your blankie with you to work. You had it all through school didn’t you? Now get out there and govern that prison.
January 20 – February 18
The cards aren’t exactly clear about your penis this week. It either gets sucked, or torn off. Sure you’ll soon find out.
February 19 – March 20
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