WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Not only are you a terrible disappointment to your family, you’re also a disappointment to humanity in general.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Did you know a sneeze travels at upwards of 100mph? Doesn’t have anything to do with your horoscope, it’s just a nice piece of trivia.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

There was a time when you would only tell someone online to go kill themselves when arguing about things you felt incredibly strongly about? Nowadays you tell them to go kill themselves if they disagree with you about what the best episode of Friends was. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

As a culchie living in Dublin, the worst thing is that you have nobody to play 25 with.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Be sure to put “RTs not an endorsement” on your Twitter bio. Everyone knows exactly what that means.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Sew Guns N Roses patches onto all the arms of your suit jackets. You’re still rock ‘n roll. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You shouldn’t be reading this while driving. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Sing like nobody is listening. Dance like nobody is watching. Fart like nobody can smell. 

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your car breaks down this week. Completely unrelated to the engine warning light that’s been on the dash for the better part of a year. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Of course you can still take your blankie with you to work. You had it all through school didn’t you? Now get out there and govern that prison.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The cards aren’t exactly clear about your penis this week. It either gets sucked, or torn off. Sure you’ll soon find out.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

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