Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your boss has had a word with you because you’ve been playing Starman at full volume for an hour. You’ve quit better jobs than this.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
That guy you went to school with who used to say David Bowie was “music for queers” sure has posted a gushing tribute to “David Bowie d ledge” on Facebook today.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can finally get some proper sleep, safe in the knowledge that The Goblin King is no more.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Don’t let anyone know that you’ve only ever listened to one David Bowie album, and that album is “The Best Of David Bowie”.
leo
July 23 – August 22
David Bowie has passed away, and who are you to not comment on it via social media?
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Be sure to post a shit David Bowie pun on Twitter. Don’t check to see if thousands of other morons have made the same gag.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You almost got to see Bowie live, when he was scheduled to play at Oxegen. Still, you saw Paddy Casey that weekend. It wasn’t a total washout.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
As a cancer researcher, you should be ashamed of yourself today. Get your act together!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You haven’t posted a tribute to David Bowie on your social media platform of choice? You monster!
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Yes, technically Iman is single now. No, you don’t have a chance.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you yell “Let’s Dance” in a crowded area and people do not join in with you to sing the rest of the song, then move to another area and try again.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Maybe now is not the time to tell people you don’t really like Bowie’s music, and you’re more of an Iggy and The Stooges guy.