Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your boss has had a word with you because you’ve been playing Starman at full volume for an hour. You’ve quit better jobs than this.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

That guy you went to school with who used to say David Bowie was “music for queers” sure has posted a gushing tribute to “David Bowie d ledge” on Facebook today.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can finally get some proper sleep, safe in the knowledge that The Goblin King is no more. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t let anyone know that you’ve only ever listened to one David Bowie album, and that album is “The Best Of David Bowie”. 

leo

July 23 – August 22

David Bowie has passed away, and who are you to not comment on it via social media?

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Be sure to post a shit David Bowie pun on Twitter. Don’t check to see if thousands of other morons have made the same gag. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You almost got to see Bowie live, when he was scheduled to play at Oxegen. Still, you saw Paddy Casey that weekend. It wasn’t a total washout. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

As a cancer researcher, you should be ashamed of yourself today. Get your act together!

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You haven’t posted a tribute to David Bowie on your social media platform of choice? You monster! 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Yes, technically Iman is single now. No, you don’t have a chance. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you yell “Let’s Dance” in a crowded area and people do not join in with you to sing the rest of the song, then move to another area and try again.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Maybe now is not the time to tell people you don’t really like Bowie’s music, and you’re more of an Iggy and The Stooges guy. 


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