‘Clarkson Cult’ Commit Mass Suicide In Reasonably Priced Car


AN increasingly erratic and anxious cult dedicated to embattled Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson has committed mass suicide outside the BBC in a reasonably priced car.

As Clarkson’s sacking from the BBC was beginning to look more and more like a formality, a group of 30 men who were self-confessed followers of ‘Clarksonism’ piled into a Ford Focus and began an attempt to kill themselves via a method of carbon monoxide poisoning.

The men, all believed to be named either Jeff, Tim and Alan were said to be clutching a copy of the Daily Mail close to their chests and they all seemed to be wearing leather jackets.

Various reports live at the scene made mention of the car radio playing well-loved hit ‘Without You’ sung by Harry Nilsson.

The drastic action taken by the men, all in their late 40s, was caused in part due to the BBC’s prolonged silence on the fate of flagship show Top Gear, which had forced many into becoming more interested in ‘Clarksonism’.

Among the tenets of Clarksonism is a belief that ‘you should calm down love’, ‘no one can tell you to shut up when you’re being far too loud in a restaurant’ and that ‘everything, absolutely everything, was better in the 80s’.

Eye witnesses to the troubling incident have confirmed all 30 men were crying as the fumes filled the car and that the onlooking public decided it was best to leave the men to their tragic fate.