WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

Vast amounts of activity by Jupiter intersecting with Venus this week will leave you feeling like you can’t even.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

That niggling feeling that you left the gas on this morning will be confirmed when you get home to find your cat dead.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Unbeknownst to you, CCTV elevator footage of you cupping your hand and farting into it before sniffing will get 54mn you-tube views in Japan this week.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

A burst of confidence this week may spurn you to finally pin that prick from accounts up against the canteen wall and ask him what the fuck his fucking problem is.

Leo July 23 – August 22

A refuse bin collection service will take place on Wednesday. New routes run from 6am to 7pm. Leo advises you leave your bin out tonight.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

It may finally dawn on you this week that at several key junctions in your life, you made some serious wrong turns. Bury this revelation deep down, and continue to tell yourself that you’re about to turn a corner, whereas in actual fact the ship bound for happiness and success left you on the shore a long, long, long time ago.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Cheltenham starts this week, stick a 20 on Kung Fu Micky in the 2:15 on Friday. Money in the bank, trust us.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Your eye is getting worse. Put a tea bag on it or something. You don’t want that to keep going the way it’s going.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you will find great comfort and solace in necking 10 pints, taking two Es, dancing to Tiesto and decking someone who was just asking for it with a face like that.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Get yourself something nice for lunch today. Have that one hour of happiness. Trust us, you’ll need it.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You will be faced with some tricky questions this week. Just google everything.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Your love life this week will show promising signs, leading to a boost in confidence which should help you to… OK, no one’s watching, so listen quick; it’s a trap! It’s all a trap!