Aries March 21 – April 19

Your Halloween costume dilemma is solved this week when your car careers side-on into a truck.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Star signs are the least of your worries this week.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You will make it till four o clock today before finding out Lizzie was killed off in that Love/Hate episode you haven’t got around to watch yet.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Ironically, you will be diagnosed with your star signs namesake this week.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Accidentally clicking ‘Adobe Bridge’ in photoshop this week will trigger a psychotic episode ending with three dead and a 15 to life stretch in Limerick prison.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Your decision to quit smoking this week will have you searching the fireplace for butts around lunch time on Wednesday afternoon, followed by an overwhelming feeling of shameful guilt and self-loathing.

Libra September 23 – October 22

In hindsight, baby juggling will not be one of your better moments this Thursday.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Scorpio is now a subscription star sign. To continue, please email your credit card details to [email protected]

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Be very wary of vague descriptions of your future this week.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

It’s probably best to get a head start on Movember this week to avoid people repeating all those ‘Bumfluff’ comments from last year.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Look, you didn’t know she was 16. It’s fine.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You will be spotted by your crush buying toilet paper this week in one of the most embarrassing situations of the year.