Nations Arses Finally Unclench Following Pussy Riot Interview

AFTER an agonizing and uncomfortable few days, bumholes nationwide are starting to unclench following the excruciating appearance by Russian punk rock group, Pussy Riot, on RTEs The Saturday Night Show at the weekend.

Following what has been called ‘the most cringe-inducing moments on Irish television since Jerry Seinfeld met Pat Kenny’, thousands of people were forced to seek medical advice after their sphincters uncontrollably seized up while watching the pair stonewall host Brendan O’Connor.

In their first European interview since their release from Mordovian labour camps, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Maria Alyokhina were questioned through a translator.

Risking no more than the pronunciation or their first names, Brendan introduced the pair along with their translator as butt cheeks across the country began to suspect something terrible was about to happen.

By the time the beleaguered host acknowledged the ‘why-can’t-we-be-back-in-the-Gulag’ pair, 75% of the audiences arses had already iris’d shut.

Speaking to a proctologist, WWN has the following advice for those affected by the Saturday Night Show;

1) Relax. Arseholes nationwide are beginning to unclench without the need for medical intervention. Yours will too, if you give it time.

2) A warm bath may help, as will any relaxing stimuli. Watch some YouTube videos of kittens playing with laser-pointers, and light some scented candles. DO NOT attempt to re-watch the Saturday Show interview, or google anything to do with it. This may lead to a severe re-clenching, which will take longer to undo.

3) If symptoms persist, please contact a doctor. Muscle relaxing drugs are being administered in severe cases, from several emergency mobile hospitals rolled out by the HSE to cope with the demand.

4) Avoid pussy and or riots.