WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

A book club is a great way to gather with people who are smarter than you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Others are quite receptive to your style and ideas this week, but not the stars. The stars think you’re a worthless piece of shit and don’t even deserve the present, not to mind say the future.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you’ll take up jogging. Next week you will give up jogging.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Your mother in-law will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “revenge is a dish best served cold” when you visit the family home for lunch this Sunday.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Jesus saves, unfortunately for you and your seven a side team, he’ll turn up next Thursday in goal for the opposition.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

If someone told you you’d be wheelchair shopping by the end of the week you would have called them crazy

Libra September 23 – October 22

You need to let your friends and coworkers know that you’re no doormat — but it’s hard! Especially as your ‘Welcome’ tattoo is size 97 bold Ariel font and smack bang middle of your forehead.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

For reasons beyond your comprehension you will spend 4 hours later on this week alphabetising your entire CD collection.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You will reach your Anchorman II quote quota this week, landing you in a copyright dispute with its creators.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Lol, Yolo, Lmao, Rofl, Totes, Awks and Obvs are expressions no 28-year-old should be using on a regular basis. Sort yourself out.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet this week, especially the single mothers on the jury.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Sunday, Monday happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday happy days. Thursday, Friday will be spent in A&E after you accidentally saw off your left hand