WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

You’re perfectly happy just to go to your room, lie on your bed and day dream about
all the things you would love to do with your life, which is great, considering how
you’ll be spending the next 10-15 in Mountjoy for armed robbery.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Heat oven to 140C/120C fan/gas and line the base of a 20cm round springform tin with greaseproof paper. Crush up the biscuits in a food processor or in a food bag using a rolling pin. Tip into a bowl with the melted butter. Mix well. Push the biscuits into an even layer into the base of the cake tin and chill until needed In a separate bowl use an electric whisk to beat the soft cheese with the sugar. Next beat in the yoghurt then the eggs one at a time. Finally beat in the lemon zest, lemon juice and flour. Fold through two thirds of the raspberries crushing them very slightly so they start to bleed into the mix then tip the mix on top of the biscuit base and smooth over the top. Bake for 45 mins then turn off the oven, leave the cake inside for another hour then cool at room temperature. Chill overnight. To serve, remove from tin, scatter with remaining raspberries and dust heavily with icing sugar.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

The age old question ‘Which came first: the chicken or the egg?’ will haunt you this
week when you projectile vomit into a KFC cubicle.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You will learn a lot about yourself this week, unfortunately most of it comes
directly from the local news paper. Including your height, eye colour, weight and the
clothes you were wearing the night you just can’t seem to remember.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Yes, you should take up that language from that country you’re never going to visit or move to.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’re a little frustrated with all the talk going on around you — especially as it
involves your families decision to turn off the life support machine.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Your mother in-law will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “revenge is a dish
best served cold” when you visit the family home for lunch this Sunday.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

This your time to shine. You’re going to surprise everyone with how commanding and successful you can be. Great riches await you and your ambition knows no bounds. Oh wait, this isn’t Aires is it? Shit! Sorry about this, let me see…Ah Scorpio right. Yeah usual boring shit week for you. Sorry.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You’re tired of thinking outside the box, which is perfect, considering that you’ll
be placed in one permanently from Wednesday.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Close your eyes. I said close your eyes. You want me to give you a detailed outline of how your life will unfold and you won’t even close your eyes for me. Not even for like two seconds? Where’s the trust? Or the respect? I’m getting real sick of your shit.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

A typo will see you unaware of your impending denise.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Unfortunately, for all of your family and friends, you will once again be able to
complain about the Christmas advertisements on the tele this week.