Irish People Pure Fucking Mental, Finds Report

IN what is being described as the most comforting yet disturbing report ever carried out on Irish society, researchers from around the world have finally confirmed what many suspected all along: Irish people are ‘pure fucking mental’.

“Now we’re not talking about mental health disorders like depression, anxiety or schizophrenia, treatment of which the Irish government chronically under staffs and under funds,” explained lead researcher Professor Karen Heinsfeld. “No, what we’ve discovered is something else entirely. The majority of Irish people are, how shall we put this… a little tapped.”

The study, which researchers claim was carried out on every Irish citizen on the planet without their knowledge or consent in order to avoid influencing behaviour, found that Irish men and women appear to be either missing something that other nations have, or possess something extra that nobody else possess and for good reason.

“We can’t quite put our finger on it yet,” Professor Heinsfeld admitted. “They’re a mad bunch. But a good mad. Not like… mad mad.”

Researchers pointed to a number of uniquely Irish behavioural traits which they believe support their findings, including:

• An unhealthy fascination with death
• Laughing when they are deeply upset
• Becoming aggressive when challenged, yet strangely passive when being blatantly overcharged
• Apologising to inanimate objects after bumping into them
• Instinctively belittling anyone who achieves success
• Complaining it’s too warm on the incredibly rare occasions the weather tops 25 degrees
• Fiercely defending fellow Irish people while simultaneously calling them idiots