Putin Marks 4th Anniversary Of Being Forced To Invade Country Against His Will

IT WAS A SOLEMN atmosphere in the Kremlin this morning as aides to Russian leader Vladimir Putin failed to console him on the sun coming up on the 4th anniversary of Ukraine’s unprovoked aggression against Russia, which puzzingly took place inside the borders of sovereign Ukrainian territory.

“What is an anniversary without cake?” one well-meaning aide said lighting candles numbered 3-2-5, representing the 325,000 Russian war dead Putin had no choice but to offer up in a war he didn’t start.

“Crazy to think Prezident that you were peacefully minding your own business when you amassed troops around Ukraine and delivered airstrikes on Kyiv and other cities, what bastards the enemies you make up in your head are,” continued another aide, checking the nearest 12th storey window was closed.

Putin’s aides then pointed out that while some might say being stuck in a war for 4 years might not be ideal, at least oil revenues aren’t down 50%, nor had the leader been so foolish as to pivot the entire economy to propping up the war, to such an extent that repayments on Government debt is exceeding spend on education and health care combined.

“Would throwing out a baseless claim about Ukraine having nuclear weapons cheer you up?” one SVR official asked a glum Putin.

Despite their best effort, Putin couldn’t embrace the happy occasion.

“Quick, it might be an idea to fire up the online bot farm to post positive comments about how great Vlad is, oh no wait, some unpaid idiots are doing for free,” one aide concluded.

Meanwhile, Putin confirmed Russia would no longer adhere to the conventional Gregorian calendar used by the vast majority of nations in the world and would instead adopt a new way of measuring the passage of time in which a ‘three day special military operation’ would be recognised as ‘four years’ instead.