2026 Told To Wind Its Neck In Or Else

THOUGH STILL in relative infancy, the year 2026 has been strongly dissuaded by the earth’s population from continuing on its current behavioural patterns with humans insisting there will be serious consequences if it continues to misbehave, WWN can report.

“Wind your fucking neck in pal,” 2026 has been warned as it continues to act up on a minute by minute basis, making its older controversy-courting siblings 2024 and 2025 look angelic by comparison.

“Settle down. Just one fucking second of literal and figurative peace, is that too much to ask? You’re giving my headache a fucking headache and my anxiety levels are through the roof of the International Space Station,” continued humanity, in what started out as an attempt to reason with the chaotic and unpredictable year but quickly descended into direct threats.

“You think we won’t just cancel the next 11 months and skip straight to 2027? Don’t call our bluff. If I hear of one more major outbreak of state-sanctioned violence or threats of annexing an autonomous region because some paedophile needs another distraction, so help us, we’ll have New Year’s Eve on the 22nd of January you prick of a year,” exclaimed the majority of the world, perhaps overstepping slightly.

BREAKING NEWS: Oh no, what now…