Large Front Of Mucksavages Expected Across Dublin Today: Met Éireann

DUBLINERS have been reminded to remain vigilant today as a large front of mucksavages descends on the city, marking the onset of the annual Culchie Christmas storm front.

Met Éireann has issued a red warning across much of the capital as floods of farmers and country men and women pour out of buses, trains and mud-splattered cars, speaking in unfamiliar dialects.

“Get them out,” a small group of tricolour-waving patriots chanted outside Heuston Station this morning, calling for culchie immigrants to go back to where they came from and insisting that Dublin is full.

Meanwhile, Dublin taxi drivers have been urged not to complain about phone apps such as Uber affecting their revenue.

“These people have no idea what an Uber is, so please do not confuse them any more than they already are,” a statement from the Department of Transport said.

With ongoing gridlock issues, it is expected that more than ten thousand culchies will be lost in traffic over the next few days. Culchies making the journey are advised to prepare at least a dozen ham sandwiches and several flasks of tea in advance of their journey to the capital.

Retailers have also been encouraged to use translation apps to communicate with culchie shoppers or to keep a simple pen and paper on hand to sketch out any questions or responses these people may have.

“We usually employ an integrated culchie for the day,” an Arnotts spokesperson revealed. “We ask staff to be patient and to avoid topics such as the weather, traffic or the GAA, as they may lead to lengthy conversational delays at checkouts.”

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